James wrenched away from Matt, his whole body shaking. The club was too loud. The music, which had felt so good just a few seconds ago, drove into his skull and his chest was burning. She wasn’t here, she couldn’t be here, but everything in his body was screaming at him that there was danger here, right now. It was Adele, it had to be.  

“James,” he heard Matt say from far away. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” he said, trying to catch his breath. 

Matt touched his shoulder and James stumbled back, falling backward and onto his ass on the filthy club floor. He was surrounded by legs and the room was spinning.

“No, I’m better,” he heard himself saying as Matt hauled him to his feet, which refused to hold him up as he attempted to order them to do so.

“What’s going on?”

Amelia was there now, her face flushed and her expression way too concerned. “No, I’m fine,” James said, “I-”

And then he couldn’t breathe. She wasn’t here, she wasn’t going to hurt anyone, he knew that. He knew that. So why was his body so sure that something horrible was about to happen?

“What happened?” she asked again.

“I don’t know,” Matt said as James attempted to get back into his body and answer. “Come on, let’s go outside.”

James tried to protest that he didn’t need to, but Matt slung one of James’s limp arms over his own shoulders and wrapped a hand around his waist. This was the only thing keeping James from falling right back down to the sticky wooden floor as his heart screamed in his ears. He was hyperventilating, but maybe he could force himself to breathe normally. 

He just needed to make himself breathe and they’d stop worrying. 

Then they were outside, the warm night air thick and humid, the sprinkling rain anchoring him just a little in the abrupt quiet.

“Fuck,” Amelia said, the word drawn out and slurred as the door to Marcy’s slid shut behind them. 

Matt steered James onto the curb, sitting down next to him as Amelia took the other side. He wasn’t going to kill her. Adele had ordered him to kill her, but that was over. He just needed to make himself believe it again.

Then there was a cigarette in front of him. James took it from Matt’s hand without thinking and took a drag, letting the smoke out slowly. He took another, coughed slightly, then handed it back as he squeezed his eyes shut.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, the smoke stinging in his sinuses as he took a shaking breath. 

“Is this because of what happened?” Matt asked, though James could hardly hear him.

It was a panic attack. He’d thought maybe he was done having these, but the wall of noise in his ears wasn’t just the now-muffled club.

“Do you want to leave?” Amelia asked.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt anyone,” Matt said softly.

“Do you want to leave?” Amelia asked again.

He tried to answer her. She was waiting but before he could get it together, there were other people there too.

“What’s going on?” Riley asked behind him.

“James had a…”

Amelia hesitated, though whether it was because she was tipsy and trying to come up with the word or for his privacy, James wasn’t sure and he couldn’t really get himself to think too hard about it right now. “It’s nothing. I think we’re going to go.”

“Already?” Riley asked.

“He’s not in good shape.”

No, he was fine. And James was going to tell her he was fine in a second. Just as soon as he remembered how to talk. 

Matt silently handed James the cigarette again and he brought it to his mouth with a shaking hand. He hardly ever smoked cigarettes. He hadn’t even smoked weed in a few months now. But he needed to speak up. And he couldn’t yet. He had to calm down, then speak up. 

“What if he just goes?” Riley asked. “Like, um, I could give you my key? Oh! Matt could bring him.” 

She smiled brightly, the glittery makeup on her face catching the light. Amelia didn’t have to go with him, it was fine. Neither did Matt. Wherever Riley’s house was, he could get there. Matt’s hand was on his back now and that was okay. Even if James couldn’t hang on to the cigarette and it dropped into the puddle by his feet. 

She made him hurt people. She almost made him kill them. And they hadn’t found her and they never would. 

“I don’t think I should leave him,” Amelia said.

He was sitting right here, why were they talking like he wasn’t here? 

“Amelia,” Riley said, sounding frustrated now. “Come on. Do you really have to do this tonight?” 

“Do what tonight?” 

“This whole ‘dropping everything for work’ thing.”

“I’m not dropping shit for work,” Amelia snapped, standing up on the sidewalk so suddenly that she almost tipped over.

“Amelia-” James started, but she waved him off.

“I didn’t mean, like-”

“This is James, not work,” Amelia continued. “I’m going to just bring him home.”

“You don’t need to,” he said.

“Are you really just going to leave?” Riley demanded. “Oh my God, I’m so sick of you doing this. Look, you’re a good friend, we all know that. But he doesn’t need you babysitting him getting home. You’ve been looking forward to tonight. And you spent so much time just not doing shit and you said it was because you were acting captain. And now you’re not and you still do this.”

She was right, he didn’t need babysitting. “I’m fine,” James said, even as he saw the gentle skepticism on Matt’s face.

“Forget it,” Amelia said. “I’ll just get an Uber or something.”

“All the way back to Worcester?” Matt asked. “That’s going to be expensive.”

Amelia was doing something on her phone now. “Fuck,” she muttered, putting a trembling hand to her forehead. “It’s like seven hundred dollars right now.”

“I’m fine,” James said again, as though she’d believe him.

“Honestly, I’m starting to think it’s an excuse,” Riley said as Amelia shook her head and took a ragged breath. “You never want to do anything.”

“No, I- hang on.”

James looked up at her. Amelia was tugging lightly on her straightened black hair with a shaking hand, the other still holding her phone. 

“You always have a fucking excuse,” Riley continued. “You know what? I bet if Rosa asked you to stay, you’d stay.”

How did she not notice Amelia’s agitation? James could barely see through his own panic right now and he could tell.

“Please stop,” Amelia murmured,  the sound slurred again and clearly close to tears. “Please. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Forget it,” Riley snapped. “Be as boring as you want to be.”

Matt went to say something, but Riley was gone now, heading back into Marcy’s. She had to be careful, Adele might be in there. 

No, what-

“No,” Amelia muttered with tears in her voice. She scrolled through her phone with one hand as the fingers of the other fluttered with agitation. “Maybe I can just …”

“No, you don’t have to call anyone,” James said, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m fine, just give me a minute. Go back in with Riley, it’s okay.”

“I need a, um, an adult,” Amelia continued as though she hadn’t heard him. “Fuck, what do I do? I need a…” 

“It’s fine,” James said, though he sounded farther from fine than he’d been in months. 

She ignored him as the faint sound of a call connecting floated toward him on the humid air. “What?” he heard Bradley answer after a few seconds.

James’s eyes snapped open. “Amelia, no!”

“I’m not sure what to do,” Amelia said, her voice trembling as she pressed a hand to her forehead again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know who to call. I need a, um, a real adult. We’re in Providence and I don’t know what happened, but James, he, um…I’m not sure what to do because Riley’s mad and I’m not going to make him stay at her place because I think she hates me now, but it’s like a thousand dollars to get a ride back home and I’ve been drinking, I can’t drive. I just need someone to tell me what to do.”

“Yeah, I can fucking tell you’ve been drinking,” Bradley replied.

“What do I do?”

She sounded scared and James felt like a total failure. He should be the one helping her. She shouldn’t have to be scared on his account ever again. “Amelia-” he started.

“McManus is okay?” Bradley asked.

“Yeah, he-”

“And you’re okay?”

“Yeah, but-”

Bradley sighed, the sound harsh and staticky on the line, maybe magnified by the alcohol and adrenaline still running through James’s system. “If I tell you I’ll be there in an hour, will you stay fucking put or will it become a scavenger hunt to find your drunk asses at midnight?”

“We’ll be here,” Amelia said, just as James started to protest again.

“Are you seriously leaving?” Riley snapped from where she’d apparently materialized behind Amelia again. “You’re seriously doing this again?”

“Okay, my car is down the street, I’m leaving now,” Bradley said as Riley continued to berate Amelia, the sounds merging in James’s brain. “I can- whoever that is, will you shut the fuck up and let me talk?”

Riley stopped, glaring at all of them. Then she stormed back into the club.

“Where are you?” Bradley asked. 

“Marcy’s,” Amelia replied, her breath hitching. 

“You don’t have to-” James started.

“I’ll be there in an hour.”

Bradley hung up without another word. Amelia was crying as she sat down, silent tears streaking down her face. James wrapped a shaking arm around her and pulled her against himself.

“I’ll talk to her later,” Matt said. “I’m staying at her place tonight if she doesn’t lock me out.”

“You were supposed to be on the couch too?” Amelia asked, wiping her eyes. “How many people did she offer the couch to?”

Matt nodded and then the two of them were giggling on either side of James, who felt a little safer than he had just a few minutes ago.

Amelia’s eyes darted toward the club entrance. “I think I’d be on the couch now too.”

“She’ll get over it,” Matt said, his hand still warm on James’s back. “She’s a nice person, she’s just drunk.”

Amelia hummed in what sounded like skeptical agreement. “You don’t have to stay,” James told Matt.

“No, it’s fine.”

It was peaceful out here. The music from the club was muffled to the point it was nearly inaudible and the orange light of the streetlight made everything glow a little unnaturally as the neons reflected in the puddles from the rain earlier. It was soothing, even if James felt terrible. 

He was tempted to try to sneak another drink out here, just to make things both a little worse and a little better. And apparently they were both thinking this because Amelia slid out of his grip and stood up.

“I’ll be right back,” she said, crossing the empty street and heading toward the tiny liquor store a few buildings down. 

James looked over at Matt, who was looking up at the cloudy sky. “You know what happened to me?” James asked. 

“Yeah,” Matt said.

“I thought I was better.”

“Shit happens.”

“Maybe I should have mentioned it before.”

“Why?”

James shrugged. “Honesty? So you could know if I grossed you out or something.”

“Not my business,” Matt said with a soft smile. “And you don’t gross me out. You’re cute, not that that’s the only reason. But can I be honest with you?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Riley and Amelia really want us to get together, but I don’t want a boyfriend right now.”

“That’s fine.”

“I’m a grad student,” Matt continued. “Between that and work, I have no time at all.”

“Bradley’s a student too,” James said, as if Matt had any clue who Bradley was.

“Cool.”

“Amelia should’ve stayed. She should be getting hammered and having fun with her girlfriend. She doesn’t need me ruining her night.”

Matt shrugged and lit another cigarette. It was raining a little now, still more mist than anything, and it actually felt good on James’s overheated face as he shifted to rest his head on Matt’s shoulder. He was sobering up now, at least he was pretty sure he was. But that meant he felt even worse as he thought about everything that had happened. 

If they waited a while for him to sober up completely, he could drive them home. He was about to take out his phone and tell Bradley that, but then Amelia was back.

“They’re closed,” she announced, sitting down heavily on the sidewalk next to him and tapping her toe against the wavering neon reflections in the puddle.

---

CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 6