Lancaster Green Chapter 6
Bradley called twice in the time it took James to walk home on painfully shaky legs. He ignored it, walking as quickly as he could without falling. Eventually he made it to his building and when he got up to his apartment, there was a text.
BRADLEY
Answer your fucking phone
No. He couldn’t do this with anyone right now. But he also knew that if he continued to ignore the calls like he wanted to, Bradley would show up here. And he didn’t need to be taking the time out of his day to do that, especially when James desperately wanted to be alone.
JAMES
I’m fine. Going to bed, talk later
That was a lie, but he also had no idea what to do from here.
He managed to drag his sore body into the shower. This bathtub was different enough from the one Amelia and Bradley had had to force him into so that he didn’t kill all of them. So he was able to take a quick shower, doing his best not to think about anything, just drowning in shame as he scrubbed the sweat off his body.
The sun was still up, Graham was going to be gone for a while, and James didn’t know what to do except get dressed and lie down on his bed. So maybe it hadn’t been a lie after all.
His phone rang again right as he closed his eyes. Dammit. Things would go even worse if he blocked any of his team, but it was tempting right now. He sat up, grabbed his phone, and when he saw the name, his heart hammered even harder in his chest.
“Hi,” he said as he answered.
“Hey.”
Meredith sounded tired and James was pretty sure it was about three in the morning in Queensland, where she was going to grad school. But it was the voice of someone he hadn’t terrorized, so it was a relief.
Though he did vaguely remember leaving her an apology message shortly before he came back to work. She’d called a couple times since, he’d missed her calls, and then she’d texted to say she’d be gone for a week and would try again when she got back.
“I’m sorry I missed your calls,” James said.
“Don’t worry,” Meredith said, her voice gentle. “How are you?”
He laughed. “Not great,” he said. “But it’s fine. I’m just glad I didn’t, you know…”
“Tell you what,” Meredith said. “Let’s address it now, then we can let it go forever.”
Was that possible? “You didn’t leave me any messages,” Meredith continued. “You didn’t call, you didn’t text, you didn’t do anything. The only time I’ve heard from you since I left was when you apologized because you were afraid you had. You didn’t.”
“Good.”
He could barely speak. And even though it was still afternoon, he suddenly wanted to just go to sleep with her lying beside him. Yes, the idea of love was terrifying after everything that happened. And he wasn’t in love with Meredith, who definitely wasn’t in love with James. But his feelings for her had been real, not chemical manipulation. So the ones that lingered had to be real too. And he was so tired.
“Are you alright?” Meredith asked.
“I guess,” James said. “I’m alive.”
“High standard.”
“How’s school?”
He closed his eyes as Meredith started telling him about her program, all the things she was studying, the people she was meeting. She sounded so enthusiastic about it. There was no doubt she’d made the right decision in going to Australia. Not that James would have ever stopped her, but of course he had those fantasies where she realized the program she actually wanted was really nearby, and that she’d be even happier there.
“How are you doing? Are you seeing anyone?” she asked, and he jolted, realizing he’d been kind of drifting on her story for the past few minutes.
“Me?” James took a sharp breath, ignored the memory of that obsessive feeling, and forced a laugh. “No, not right now. Are you?”
He could almost hear the shrug through the phone. “I’m dating someone,” she said. “But we’re both busy with school so it isn’t serious.”
The pang wasn’t as painful as he expected, despite the physical and emotional pain that had made up his entire being for the past couple hours. “I get it,” he said.
“I’m really glad I got to talk to you though,” Meredith said. “Your cousin said you were doing better, but that was a few weeks ago and I know between our schedules and the time difference…I know we haven’t been avoiding each other.”
He genuinely hadn’t been. Given much longer, he might have started to avoid her, but talking to her now made him feel a little better.
Meredith yawned. “I need to go to bed,” she said. “It’s coming up on four in the morning.”
“Why the hell did you make yourself stay up that late to talk to me?” James demanded. “Don’t you have class tomorrow?”
“Not until noon. And I did it because I wanted to. Plus I was at a party earlier, so don’t feel guilty about it.”
“It was really nice to talk to you,” James admitted.
“You too,” Meredith said. “Good night.”
It was still bright out here. “Night.”
James hung up and let his phone drop beside him on the bed. There were plenty of things he could be doing right now, but he was asleep seconds later.
***
James dreaded going into work the next day, but at least he was scheduled for a short shift. Amelia was scheduling him fairly lightly, which was another thing to feel guilty about, especially since he was still salaried rather than paid hourly like the others. That would change soon, he just wasn’t sure exactly what to do about it yet. But either way, he was only scheduled to work four hours the next afternoon before a day off.
He’d woken up for a few hours the night before, blinking awake confused and overheated in his stuffy room. Graham wasn’t home and James wasn’t quite sure where he was. There were a few texts on his phone from everyone and he sent a general “I’m fine” out, not having the energy to have all the individual conversations. There had also been a couple texts from his father about the start of the garden and asking how James’s back was doing. He answered in vague terms, that same sick feeling he got when thinking about his parents compounding with the strain already in there. But he’d eaten a little dinner, gotten high, and fallen back into a shallow sleep before his shift started at eleven the next morning.
Things were awkward as soon as he walked in the door. Madelyn wasn’t in the living room, but Amelia was. She stood up and came over as James walked in. “Are you okay?” she asked quietly from the railing.
“Fine,” he replied as he came up the stairs. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“Alright,” she said. “Bradley’s taking charge for the afternoon, I have to spend the first part going through all sorts of shit with McGovern and…”
She trailed off, as though the name would set James off. But he just nodded. “Did you tell anyone?” he asked. “I mean-”
“No,” Amelia said. “I talked to Madelyn, she says she’s fine. I didn’t figure it was anyone else’s business unless you or her said anything. I don’t think she did.”
“If she wants me gone, I’ll go,” James said.
“James.”
“No, I’m serious. If having me here is causing her stress, then I will go.”
“It’s not,” Amelia said. “I mean, she said you just startled her yesterday. So that’s probably it, okay?”
Her voice was gentle in a way that was a little grating. James had seen the fear on Madelyn’s face. “Yeah,” he said, instead of arguing.
“Alright, meeting in five.”
Graham, Bradley, and Madelyn were all here this morning, with Gabriella taking the night shift. When Madelyn came into the room, she gave James an awkward smile and he knew the one he gave her in return was just as bad. Then she started talking to Graham on the couch while he stayed as far away as possible.
Up front, Bradley and Amelia were talking quietly, so James stayed where he was, glancing around for any sign of Fang. It was still weird not being in charge of this meeting. But he’d take it. It was better this way.
Amelia left and Bradley took another minute to get the PowerPoint set up. The projection screen wasn’t down yet and as he went to pull it down, his fingers just grazed the small handle that was currently pressed to the ceiling. He tried a couple times, then sighed irritably. “McManus?”
Right, James was usually the one to pull that down for team meetings. He wasn’t that much taller, six feet to Bradley’s maybe five-foot-nine. But he was able to catch the handle with minimal effort and bring it down.
“Two cases today,” Bradley said, going back to the computer. “First one is just preparation for the…four interviews scheduled tomorrow? What the fuck?”
“I didn’t plan it that way!” Amelia called in from the office.
“No one planned it at all, apparently,” Bradley retorted. “But today we’re preparing for that. And since this conveniently fell on the day our researcher isn’t here until five-”
“Shit,” Amelia said, hurrying into the room. “You know what? Never mind that one. Gabriella is the one with all the connections at the library, it’s going to take her twenty minutes tomorrow while it’d take the rest of us all afternoon.”
Gabriella would be embarrassed when James relayed that praise to her, but Amelia was right. He kept his eyes on the screen and its cheerful spinning ghost, avoiding looking in Graham or Madelyn’s direction.
“Fine,” Bradley said, with a hint of testiness underneath it. “I guess we have one case to go over. Don’t worry, Graham, we’ll find something horrible for you to do. But first, we’ve got voices in the basement. The Royal family over in Winchendon have reported full, audible conversations and solo voices in their cabin’s cellar. The Foundation has done some initial work and confirmed that there is no obvious source. EVPs have come back with full-on soliloquies-”
“You have an excellent vocabulary,” Graham said as Bradley gave him a withering look.
“I remember reading a very different comment when I got my midterm paper back.”
Graham smiled and James was actually surprised that Bradley would reference either school or his and Graham’s previous relationship as student and professor so easily. Bradley looked back at the screen as it flickered, then showed a photo of a rundown cabin. “Anyway, it should be pretty normal. We’re waiting a few more days before going back to Lancaster Green so McManus, I’m going to have you and Madelyn on this one.”
He didn’t mean to look at Madelyn, but he saw it before Bradley finished talking. The flash of alarm and the flinch. James looked at her and she looked back, wide-eyed.
“I’m sorry,” James said quietly. “I shouldn’t be here.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m going to go.”
“James, no,” Madelyn said.
He stood up, but as soon as he did, so did she. “James, it’s not-”
“It’s fine,” he said, walking toward where he’d left his bag on the floor by the kitchen doorway. “I get it. I’m going to call and just-”
“I’m not afraid of you!”
“Stop lying to me!”
James spun around to face her and she immediately took a step back. She looked afraid and he was terrified. “I need you to stop fucking lying to me,” he said quietly. “Please.”
“James-” Graham started, but he was already having trouble breathing.
Madelyn was crying and James thought he might be too, but he didn’t know for sure. “You’re afraid of me,” he said. “Of course you are, I tried…” He faltered. “I understand. Just stop lying to me.”
Amelia was there now, but before she said anything, James felt Bradley pulling him roughly out of the living room. “Inside or outside?” Bradley asked.
Amelia was guiding Madelyn toward the dining room while Bradley brought James away. “Inside or outside?” he repeated.
“I need to leave.”
“Fine, outside.”
James stumbled slightly on the stairs. Once they reached the landing, he started to move toward the second set of stairs as Bradley reached for the front door. “Where are you going?” Bradley asked.
“I don’t know.”
Maybe he’d been heading toward the gym to continue punishing himself on the treadmill, he wasn’t completely sure. That panicky terror was in charge right now.
If they went outside, he was going to leave and not come back, for real this time. “I shouldn’t be here,” he said again.
He hadn’t meant for that to mean they were going to the basement instead, but Bradley steered him down there anyway, James nearly stumbling and taking them both down. When they reached the bottom stair, Bradley pointed at it. “Sit.”
James sat. “What the fuck is going on?” Bradley demanded.
“She’s afraid of me,” James said. “She should be.”
“After almost two months of saying she isn’t?”
James looked around the dim hallway. He could see the closed medbay door, the half-open door to the gym, the brown buttons on Bradley’s shirt as he stood in front of James, the worn carpet under his gloved hands, and his own worn shoes.
“McManus.”
He could feel…no, he wasn’t doing that one.
“James.”
James looked up. And apparently he looked horrible enough that Bradley sighed and sat down next to him.
“Just fucking breathe,” he said, resting a cold hand between James’s shoulder blades.
He tried, focusing on pulling the air in and letting it out. There was too much going on in his mind for him to latch on to a coherent thought. All he was right now was shame and fear of his own. Because Madelyn should be afraid of him, it made complete sense. Just because he was back didn’t mean it was over.
After a few minutes, James could breathe again. “Are you okay if I go for a minute?” Bradley asked.
“Yeah. I’m-”
“I’ll be right back. Stay.”
James nodded and Bradley got up, going up the stairs and leaving James alone in the tiny, dim hallway. The medbay door seemed extra ominous right now, the monsters behind it ready to pounce.
And then Bradley was back. “Alright,” he said, sitting back down beside James. “I just talked to Amelia. Is this what yesterday was about?”
“I’m going to go,” James said.
“No.”
Right, Bradley was technically his superior now. “Look,” James said. “Madelyn is afraid of me. I get it. But if she keeps telling me she’s not, then that’s the rest of her life. She’ll have to deal with someone she’s terrified of all the time just so she doesn’t hurt my feelings or whatever.”
“She said she wasn’t afraid before,” Bradley said.
James shrugged in the least casual way ever. “Yeah, because I was weak,” he said. “I was tame. And now I’m back and I’m this big monster that said it’d be easy to kill her any time I wanted to.”
“Right,” Bradley said. “And how much fucking control compound was in your bloodstream when you said that to her?”
A lot. He could still feel the burn of the antidote under his skin. But he wasn’t going to break down and cry, he was so tired of doing that. “That doesn’t matter.”
“No, it matters.”
“No, Bradley, it doesn’t,” James snapped. “It was me. Even if it wasn’t me, it was still me. And I know she’s afraid of me and I know why. And I don’t know, but maybe they’re all afraid of me. Amelia was, maybe she still is.”
“Amelia isn’t afraid of you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because she literally just told me she isn’t.”
That stopped James in his tracks. “Oh.”
They were silent for a moment. “Are you afraid of me?”
Bradley looked at him, pityingly. “McManus, really?”
He wasn’t sure that was entirely necessary, but James guessed it made him feel better.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Bradley said after another moment. “Graham is going to go with Madelyn to Winchendon. I’m sure Amelia’s got all sorts of bullshit for you to help her with, so that’s what you’ll be doing.”
“Are you sure I should be here?”
Bradley stood back up. “I guess stay down here a few more minutes if you want to?” he said, ignoring the question. “Then come up.”
Or he could just leave.
“And if you leave, I will come to your house and kick your door in.”
“I’ve seen you try to kick an apartment door in,” James retorted, looking up at him. “My door would be fine.”
Bradley scoffed, then went upstairs.
***
“You ready to talk?”
James had stayed downstairs until he heard the front door open and close as Graham and Madelyn left. He knew he was visible when they walked by. He was still sitting at the bottom of the stairs in plain sight, but nobody said anything to him and he was grateful for it.
James shrugged. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
Amelia was silent behind him on the stairs. “I shouldn’t‘ve come back,” he said.
“Will you please come upstairs?”
“I should go,” he said, standing up. “I’ll get you an official resignation letter tomorrow.”
“James, stop,” she said. “Come on, let’s go up to your office and-”
“It’s not my office,” he interrupted.
“Whoever’s office it is,” she said. “I don’t care. Come on.”
James reluctantly got up, his legs still aching from yesterday, and followed her up the stairs. Bradley was in the living room, getting ready to take comms. He glanced up and James couldn’t help looking at the missing computer as they walked past him.
She led him into the office, which looked almost exactly the way it had for a couple years now. Though maybe even slightly messier with all the to-do lists scattered around.
“Sit down.”
Fang was asleep on Auntie Bev’s horrible flowered couch. He sat down beside her. “Do you actually want to quit?”
“Yes.”
Amelia nodded, but James could see the hurt in her eyes and immediately wanted to take it back. “I don’t think it’s safe for me to be here.”
“Can you tell me why?”
“Amelia, you know exactly why.”
“I want to hear it from you,” she said. “Come on.”
“Because Madelyn is afraid of me and she keeps denying it. But I know what I saw, both times. And I don’t want to be the reason that anyone is afraid to come to work.”
Amelia was silent for a second. James noticed that she wasn’t trying to say that Madelyn had been telling the truth about just being startled anymore.
“She knows it wasn’t you,” she said finally.
“I know,” James said. “But it was me. Even if I wasn’t in control, it was still me.”
She moved to take his hand and he was reminded of Mrs. Richards at Lancaster Green yesterday. Did she die like she thought she would? Had her James arrived to lead her into a peaceful afterlife?
If she had died, James hoped so.
“I know she was okay before,” he said. “But that was when I was, you know, drugged and-and weak and couldn’t hurt anyone. It’s easy not to be afraid of that, you know?”
Amelia nodded, still gripping his gloved hand.
“It’s not fair to her,” he continued. “Even if nobody else feels like that, it’s not fair for me to be here.”
“I’m not accepting your resignation right now,” Amelia said softly. “But your shift is over in a few hours and I know you’re off tomorrow. I want you to get some rest before you decide anything, okay?”
He was so embarrassed. “Yeah,” he said, nodding rapidly.
“I don’t have you on anything right now,” she continued. “What do you want to do? I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go home yet.”
James had been so desperate to leave here and never come back. But now that she asked the question, he stopped short. “I don’t know,” he said. “But I shouldn’t be around her. Not right now.”
“Okay,” Amelia said, and James was surprised she didn’t try to argue. “Madelyn’s on until eight and they’ll be out in the field for a little while. Would you want to…”
She got up and went behind the desk, moving naturally for a moment before apparently getting self-conscious. That wasn’t right, she deserved to be back there. She opened something on the computer and scrolled through it for a moment. “Go photograph some Bigfoot tracks?”
“Where?”
“Sterling.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“I’ll go with you, I could use the break.”
“You don’t-”
She shrugged. “I know. Come on.”
