Noah woke up angry at himself. Not that this was anything new, but this time it was a specific anger. He’d dreamed of swirling winds and sickly lights all night, unaware that he was in a dream and wasting valuable time until he blinked awake in the early morning sunlight.

Liv was already up, sleepily pulling on her light bathrobe over by her bedroom closet. She looked over as he sat up, crumpling the soft sheets on her bed. “Morning,” she said.

“Morning.”

“You didn’t say anything last night. At least nothing I caught.”

“Yeah, I dreamed, but not anything useful.”

She looked like she wanted to say something and he knew what it was going to be. About how there was no way to control any of this. And he knew that. But he also knew he was going to say something in response that he might regret. And even if he was clearly fucking up again, he didn’t want to do that. Not to her. He’d slipped up enough lately.

Noah glanced at his phone, remembering hours after the fact that he had seen a voicemail there before bed. He barely checked his voicemail, not many people called him. But this one was from Roman.

“Hey bud,” Roman said on the recording. “Just checking in. Listen, Charlie says you didn’t show up for work tonight. Iris told him you were sick, so I’m just hoping you’re alright. Do me a favor and shoot me a text or something when you get this. Just so I know you’re good.”

So he knew Noah wasn’t passed out in the woods somewhere, Noah translated bitterly in his head. He hit Delete and the next voicemail, that one from back in April, began playing.

“Hey, it’s me,” Roman’s voice began, quiet and serious. “Noah, if you get this, please call someone.”

He didn’t need to listen to the whole thing again, everything was fine now. Or it wasn’t fine, but he was back. Still, Noah felt glued to the spot as he listened to Roman talk. He waited until the short message had finished, then set his phone down very slowly on the bed. 

“Everything okay?” Olivia asked, coming back over with her hairbrush in her hand.

“Huh? Yeah,” he said, shaking his head to get the messages out of it. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just frustrated.”

“Of course,” she said. “But let’s give it another try tonight.”

She smiled at him, as though he hadn’t continuously melted down over the past several days, adding to her worry in ways he hadn’t in a while. Despite his protests to Andrew, he’d meant it the other night. She needed to let him go. Even if that night was fuzzy in a different way from the last time he’d broken down in her living room, he remembered saying that. Olivia needed to stop worrying about him. She had to live her own life and he was still getting in the way of that, even without drinking. 

Though he’d also begged her to get him some alcohol so that he could function. Oh no, couldn’t forget that part.

He wanted to go upstairs and hide, but there was a chance Andrew was up there. Actually, he was almost certain that Andrew had taken his room last night. There wasn’t even anywhere in his own house where Noah could hide himself away anymore. And usually he loved that. The fact that Andrew wanted to be with him, wanted to stay in his house, wanted to share the same bed every night except for when Noah was trying to talk to a ghost under Liv’s supervision, it was amazing. It was unbelievable. He was so lucky, and Noah was waiting for the other shoe to drop with that. But right now he just wanted to be alone and dwell on his shame. 

He also wanted to drink, but he wasn’t going to do that.

“I’ll go put coffee on,” Liv said. “You sure you’re alright?”

Noah forced a smile. “Totally fine.”

She left the room, and he picked his phone back up.

NOAH

Sry, got sick working with Iris

Not entirely true, but how was he going to explain the fact that he’d had another breakdown and ended up passing out in Iris’s far too cozy living room? After trying to convince her to go against what everyone else had said and hypnotize him to force his consciousness out of the way so that Billy McBride could talk through his body? Roman was going to have a lot to say about that and Noah frankly didn’t want to hear it. So he was sticking with the quasi-lie.

The reply came a moment later before Noah was even out of bed.

ROMAN

Feeling better?

Was he? He supposed so.

NOAH

Yeah. Much.

Again, the response was immediate.

ROMAN

Good. Up for a meeting?

Right, Roman had tried to get him to go to an AA meeting when he called under Andrew’s strict orders the other night. And while Noah didn’t particularly want to go to one, he probably needed to, didn’t he? And if he tried to argue that other things he had to do today were more important – as though he had anything else planned – then Roman might actually drive into town to check on him. Then he’d risk getting stuck, and it’d be Noah’s fault. 

NOAH

Yeah

He got up and followed Liv out to the kitchen, where Mia was sitting, tousled-haired and red-cheeked, in her seat. He kissed her on the top of the head as he came in, then went to the freezer to get the pancakes Liv stored in there.

“Want any?” he asked Liv, who was over by the coffeemaker.

“I’m all set,” she replied.

So was Noah, the idea of eating made him queasy. But he heated up two of them for Mia, staring blankly at the pancakes as they spun inside the microwave. He let them go for too long, not quite paying attention to anything as they spun. They were scalding as he took them out, the steam whistling out of the air pockets as he set the plate down and hoped Liv hadn’t noticed.

“Just give them a few minutes,” she said without even looking over. “I’ll get the maple syrup.”

Andrew wasn’t down here, so he was either upstairs still asleep in Noah’s bed or he’d gone over to Iris’s for who knows what? Research or planning? 

Or working. He did actually work there, after all. Noah liked to think about Andrew behind the counter at Forest Charms with his cute name tag. Either of those options was equally likely. It was still early and even though he was good about getting up and had been the one to open Limerick frequently, Andrew was not shy about the fact that he liked a “proper lie-in” as he’d called it when Noah teased him.

Noah wanted to go crawl into bed beside him, but he wasn’t sure that Andrew would appreciate that. He loved Noah, but he’d also been pretty pissed at him last night on the way back from Iris’s shop. So maybe he wanted to have that lie-in in private.

As he checked the pancakes – still too hot – Liv came over with a mug of coffee. “It’s alright,” she repeated, looking up at him. “It was one night. We’ll do it again tonight.”

“And if that doesn’t work?”

“Then we’ll do it again tomorrow?”

“And if I spend the entire week not dreaming about him?”

“Then hopefully you’re having some pretty great dreams instead.”

She waggled her eyebrows and he laughed, surprising himself. Liv looked happy, like that had been her plan all along. “God willing,” he said, taking the coffee. “Thanks.”

“Of course.”

————

It turned out that Andrew was still asleep upstairs. When Noah went up to shower and get dressed a little while later, he walked into his bedroom to see Andrew buried in his blankets, only his hair visible over the top of the thick blue quilt on Noah’s bed. He didn’t move as Noah came in and he let the paranoia get to him for a moment, walking over to make sure Andrew was still breathing. He was, so all worries that Charles Baxter had managed to sneak in and murder him were assuaged for now. So Noah gathered up his towel and went into the shower.

He felt better as he got out a few minutes later, maybe slightly more human than he had even after a cup of coffee and a few minutes with Liv. As Noah walked back into the bedroom, Andrew sat up in his bed, blinking sleepily. He jolted as Noah came in, then fished for his glasses on the bedside table. 

“You scared me,” he admitted as Noah walked over to his dresser. “Not that you should have, it’s your room after all. So you’re free to come and go as you please.”

Noah started putting on his clothes, then turned to look at him. Andrew was studying him now, through the lenses of glasses Noah was seeing more and more frequently these days. “You alright, then?” 

He was getting sick of being asked that question, but really couldn’t get too mad about it, could he? “Fine,” Noah said. “What are you doing today?”

Get the attention off himself. Maybe it would even work. Andrew shrugged. “I’m working at Iris’s shop,” he said. “You?”

“I’m going out with Roman.”

“Anything fun?”

“If you call Alcoholics Anonymous fun.”

It shouldn’t have been bitter, he was trying to stay light. But it had come out bitter and judging by the way Andrew’s smile faded, the bitterness had landed.

“It’ll be fine,” Noah said, trying to fix the damage instead of pulling away from it. “We’ll get coffee and then I’ll come back here.”

Andrew nodded, clearly not convinced by any of this. Noah sat down beside him, still shirtless. His first instinct had been to sit down comfortably, kiss Andrew, and maybe even move things along a little if Andrew wanted that. But any nerve he’d had instantly evaporated as Noah realized how utterly unappealing he must be after the shit he’d pulled over the past few days. So instead of kissing Andrew, Noah stayed awkwardly where he’d sat down, like he was fifteen years old on a first date. 

Andrew was the one who made the move, kissing Noah gently, his mouth light on Noah’s as his fingers traced over the stubble on Noah’s cheeks. He pulled away without deepening the kiss, then got up. 

“Any luck last night?” he asked, pulling on his own shirt.

“No,” Noah said. “Liv says I didn’t wake her up talking, and I didn’t lucid dream at all. I really don’t like this plan. Liv shouldn’t be waiting to wake up with me. All it does is keep her from sleeping and she needs to.”

“So do you,” Andrew shot back.

“I’m fine.”

Andrew clearly didn’t believe him, none of them did. But Noah was as good as he was going to get for the time being. And once the curse was lifted, he’d be even more fine. Like, actually fine. So they just needed to trust him for a little while to know his own limits.

Not that he’d ever been particularly good about that, so it made sense why no one was going to believe him this time. But he’d prove it. He’d be fine, and they’d get Andrew out. Whatever he had to do to recover afterward was a problem for the future.

———-

Meeting with Roman went about as well as Noah expected it to. They met up at a little diner in Petersham where they frequently met for coffee before meetings. As he got inside, he spotted Roman in one of the old booths. Roman didn’t see Noah right away as he sipped his coffee, something obviously on his mind as he looked out the filmy window toward the meadow beyond the parking lot. He looked up and smiled as Noah slid into the booth.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Noah said before Roman could say anything.

“It’s alright,” Roman said. “Charlie let me know and we had enough coverage. How are you feeling?”

God, he never wanted to hear that question again. “Fine.”

Just like everybody else in his goddamn life, Roman didn’t believe him. He nodded, but didn’t say anything until the server had come through, poured Noah a cup of coffee, and offered him a menu. He wasn’t hungry, even though he’d skipped breakfast at home. The coffee was making his stomach more unsettled, but it was something to do with his hands and mouth, so he sipped it, wishing it was whiskey.

“So Jamie inherited Celine’s abilities.”

Noah looked up from his mug. “No kidding?” 

“Apparently,” Roman said. “Poor kid, I walked in the other day and all three kids are sobbing while the lights are blowing out on the ceiling.”

Noah couldn’t imagine having three kids. He wasn’t even a parent to the one that was constantly present in his life, but parenting three? How did anyone do that? His dad had done alright with him and Erin, he guessed. But he tried and failed to imagine another kid in the mix.

“How’s he doing?” Noah asked, trying to focus all of his attention on this conversation rather than his own quicksand thoughts. 

“Okay,” Roman said. “A little freaked, obviously. But Celine’s been working with him. And she took him out yesterday to see a friend of hers who’s an expert on that stuff too. Which I didn’t love, you know, with everything going on. But he needed to get away for a little while and she could kill anyone who looked at him the wrong way. So I guess they just had lunch and talked and he seemed way less afraid by the time they came back. Worried about senior year and his buddies ditching him, but honestly I can’t see those kids doing something like that.”

Noah couldn’t imagine that anymore than he could having three kids. But if Jamie’s friends were anything like his, he’d be fine. 

“Anyway, he’s still scared, but nowhere near as bad as he was the other night.”

Roman drained his coffee, then looked assessingly at Noah. “So, you.”

“What about me?” God, he sounded so defensive.

“You call me ranting about how you’re moving too slowly to solve the curse, then you miss work and Iris is the one to call in to tell us that. Because, why exactly?”

His face heated up. “Because I fell asleep on her couch and apparently wouldn’t wake up when she tried to.”

“Ah.”

“I wasn’t drinking.”

“I know.”

He wasn’t being judgmental, Noah knew that. And this kind of ass kicking was exactly why he’d asked Roman to be his sponsor, because he knew that he needed someone to do it. But right now, Noah was so pissed off about it that he was worried he was going to say something. He was on the edge of out-of-control right now and he knew it, he had been for days. But if he said anything out of line, then they were all that much less likely to actually let him help break the curse. Even if everyone seemed enthusiastic about this whole lucid dreaming technique, Noah still had to get it working and figure out what to do with it.

When they’d picked Andrew up at the clinic the night of the fire, he’d been so scared it was going to be worse than they thought. All the worst possibilities ran through his head the entire way down from Liv’s mom’s house. If Noah couldn’t get this working, then what was to stop that from happening again? But worse this time.

And if he did get it to work, they still needed to get Billy to talk to his murderous bestie somehow. From what Iris had said, it didn’t seem like Billy could really talk through Noah that well. Which was secretly and shamefully a relief, as long as they could still make everything work as fast as possible.

“I’m fine,” he insisted again, taking a sip of the coffee he still didn’t want. “Really.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Convince the others that I’m fine.”

Roman just looked at him and Noah had to force himself not to get up and walk away. That wasn’t going to help. He needed to be calm and just get through this. Of course they didn’t think he could handle it, he’d shown them several times that he’d break. 

“Let’s head out,” Roman said, and he sounded a little sharper than before. Though maybe Noah was just being sensitive. 

———–

CONTINUE TO EPISODE 24

———–