Fully Funded

(NOTE: The episode is in the format of Indiegogo update videos. Each scene depicts a different video posted to the Indiegogo account over the course of a month of crowdfunding.)

(MARK is the host of the videos and the head of the team creating the Spirit X boards. He is an extremely successful entrepreneur and friendly, but arrogant and fully convinced of his own greatness and that of Spirit X.)

VIDEO 1 

NARRATOR

Week One. Zero percent funded.

(MARK is introducing the audience to Spirit X and trying to convince them to support his campaign. Think “Online entrepreneur on Instagram Stories” for his swagger and confidence.)

(Cheesy musical cue plays. It is happy and triumphant.)

MARK

Hey folks, what is up!? I’m Mark and welcome to Spirit X, a hot, hungry startup located right in here in beautiful Kendall Square in Cambridge. Today I am so excited to introduce you all to our first major release: the Spirit X board.

(Cheesy, exciting sound effects.)

MARK

Are you asking yourself, what is the Spirit X board? Well, it’s our brand new innovative method of communicating with the other side. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking ghosts! Spirits! Things that go bump in the night! And more importantly, things with energy you can harness to improve your own productivity!

(Cheesy ghost sound effect)

MARK

You might think spiritual communication is only good for talking to dearly departed Granny, but it’s a multipurpose tool! By harnessing the energy of the spirits around you every day, you can find answers to your most pressing questions, catch a glimpse into your future, and even get a boost in your own energy levels when Red Bull just isn’t cutting it.

Here before me, you can see the first-ever prototype of the Spirit X board. It’s a nifty little thing with everything you’ll need to let you communicate with ease. You’ve got your QWERTY setup over here, your numbers here, and a few key phrases to let you communicate with maximum efficiency. And here…here’s where the magic happens. You put this pointer right here on the starting line, ask your question, and the power of the spirit will flow through you and provide the answers you need. No mess, no risk. Just put in your order and out it flows. Like Grubhub for the spirit realm.

But, while this is our passion and our goal here at Spirit X, we need your help. We’ve got our whole full-time freelance team working overtime to make this a reality, but we need money to actually build more Spirit X boards. These materials don’t come cheap. This board is made from authentic wood, straight from Salem! Here at Spirit X, we demand quality, both in this world and the next!

So I hope you’ll consider helping us to make this dream into a reality. Take a look below to check out the sweet perks you can get from just throwing a few bucks our way. 

That’s it for now! I’ll be back later this month with some updates on the campaign for you all. This is your boy Mark signing off!

VIDEO 2

NARRATOR

Week Two. Forty-Seven percent funded.

(A week later. Mark is pumped up and completely jazzed about how well the campaign is going.)

(Cheesy musical cue plays. It is happy and triumphant.)

MARK

What is up! Mark here, checking in with you after our first full week of crowdfunding. And oh my god, you guys, can I just say how amazed I am? You have gotten us almost halfway to our goal of twenty thousand dollars in this first week alone! You’re amazing, every single one of you. Pat yourselves on the back, go on.

We’ve been busy here behind the scenes as well! I’ve been using the Spirit X Board almost every single day and it’s so versatile that I honestly don’t remember how I was living before! Just this morning, I channeled that spirit energy into my dreams to ease the segue into waking up. Then I planned out my day based on its answers over my breakfast Soylent. Then I spent almost half an hour just chatting with Abraham Lincoln! Let me tell you, Honest Abe is my kind of guy. Such a riveting conversation. Gives me chills!

And I want to share this experience with you! So if you haven’t donated yet, please do so! We’ve got some sweetass rewards for you, stuff you can’t get anywhere else! Pins, mentoring sessions, podcasts! Check it out and throw some cash in the pot if you’re feeling generous!

Alright, I’m late for my three o’clock with Socrates. Catch you all later!

VIDEO 3

NARRATOR

Week Three. Eighty-five percent funded.

(It’s the third week of the campaign. Mark is still trying to keep the bubbly enthusiasm up, but he’s irritable and paranoid and it’s starting to show. The board is clearly taking a toll on him. Meanwhile, there is also something up with the video. It’s glitching as he talks, occasionally warping his speech or adding EVP-style voices and additions in. It’s subtle enough that is doesn’t overtake the entire video, but enough to make it unsettling.)

(Cheesy musical cue plays. It is happy and triumphant.)

MARK

We’re down to the final week of the campaign people! And we’re so close to the finish line that I can almost taste it. It’s happening folks, all your dreams are going to come true! You just need to let them in.

So I want to take this week’s check-in video to discuss some of the comments we’ve been getting on our social media. Guys, listen. This is one hundred percent safe. Yeah, there’s a little risk in doing something out of your comfort zone. It’s new and innovative, but what’s life without a little risk? But I guarantee you, we here at Spirit X know exactly what we’re doing. So just relax!

I still use my board every single day and I’m doing better than ever! The spirits show me exactly what I need to do in each and every situation and I have never been more productive! And I need to harness that productive energy every day because, as I’m sure you all know from our Instagram stories, the team has shrunk down a little. So now that Randy and Paul are gone, we can replace them with spirit energy with no repercussions!

Also, cool little bonus feature? Keep the pointer on the board at all times and it’ll start spinning in these funky little figure eights all by itself. We’re still trying to figure out why exactly that is, but hey, aesthetics are sometimes just as important to your morale. So enjoy!

And if you’re not joining the hundred and up tiers that include a Spirit X board among their perks, pre-orders are now open! There are a few bundle options, which include the board, a t-shirt in either gray or blue, and a code to grant you access to the upcoming Spirit X Board App. The same spiritual force, now conveniently in your pocket. So while you, like me, will use your Spirit X Board to determine every step of your life in the service of our gods, you can also now have it on you at all times. 

So slam that Support button, toss your dollars in the pot, and let’s get this new world moving! One more week, folks! We can do this!

WEEK 4

NARRATOR

Week Four. Fully Funded.

(What a surprise, Mark is completely possessed now. His voice sounds like a bad imitation of himself with an unearthly crackle underneath.)

(The triumphant intro music is now warped and demonic.)

MARK

What. Is. Up, party people! Thanks to you fine folks, Spirit X is now funded and a success far greater than we’ve ever dared dream! It is here! It is ready! And it is glorious! When you fine human people open your electronic mail tomorrow, there will be a surprise awaiting you. And shortly after, another surprise will await you at your homes. Spirit X boards for everyone! Spirit X Board apps for everyone! Thanks to you. All because of you. Praise their unholy name and bask in the joy that is now yours. Farewell to you all for now, but we will be seeing you. 

Very. 

Soon.