EPISODE 3: CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
Janie is stressed out over the renovations but is trying to come to terms with the idea that the house might have more issues than she thought. Particularly the idea that her problems might have supernatural origins.
Hi, welcome back to At Home with Janie with Janie Simmons. Once again, not much to report in terms of actual renovations to Janie’s said home. Not like I’d planned when I started this project. I planned on cute, witty updates on how the construction is going swimmingly, maybe some great pictures of my kitchen or me with my tools on Twitter. Maybe even a sponsorship from Blue Apron if I got lucky and managed to stretch this into a longterm thing. But instead, you guys are getting the frustrated mutterings of the lady who hired other people to do the actual work because her house is just…ugh.
Janie drums her fingers on the table nervously.
Can I tell you guys something I know is going to sound stupid?
She hesitates, both dreading saying her suspicions aloud and knowing this will make them public and thus, inescapbale.
You’re all going to think I’m nuts but I think this house might be haunted.
Janie sighs. She thought that she would feel a little better after making her confession, but instead she feels anxious and frustrated.
I know how it sounds. I sound like an idiot. Or like I’m trying to scam everybody or something. I don’t even believe in ghosts! But it’s just too much. There’s too much happening, I can’t just wave it off. I’m seeing shadows constantly. Just out of the corner of my eye, you know. But no matter where I am in the house, I see them. All the doors keep slamming, mostly late at night when I’m falling asleep. There’s scurrying noises that sound way, WAY too big to be a mouse. And I just get this feeling…The house is so angry. There’s this angry feeling, like something breathing down my neck. At first I thought maybe I was just stressed, but it doesn’t feel like the anger is coming from me. But I do feel like it’s affecting-
In the distance, glass shatters.
Did you hear that? That’s another thing! Remember how I said my things kept falling out of the cabinets? It’s not just the cabinets! I’ve had the contractor in working on the cabinets, so my dishes are sitting on the coffee table in my living room. And they keep breaking. I walk into the room and there’s shards of glass on the floor. No one else lives here, I don’t have a cat. But something is tossing my glasses off the table.
Janie takes a breath, trying vainly to center herself.
I’m a peaceful person. And I love this house, you know? It’s got potential to be beautiful, the commute into Boston is fantastic. And finding an affordable house in the Boston area is next to impossible so I know I lucked out. But I swear to god, I’m like thirty seconds away from burning this place down.
JANIE (FALSELY PERKY)
So maybe I should set that aside and update you all on my plans! Mike, the contractor, is working on the cabinets. He’s having the same issues I was with getting anything to actually stay in place, so it’s taking a little longer than anticipated. Which means more money, but oh well! Worth it! Once he’s done I’m going to move on to the floor. Tear up that ugly linoleum and hope we’ll find some hardwoods. There’s a lot to love in this house, you just have to look on the bright si-
Two glasses fall off the table in rapid succession, close to the microphone.
JANIE (TIRED AND DEFEATED)
Well, now there’s shattered glass all over my living room. So I’m just going to wrap this up. Bye everybody.
END PART 3